Boy, oh boy. Do I have mixed feelings about it.
On one hand, I've never cried more in my life from PURE stress.
But on the other hand, I've never felt more happy, successful, and at peace with where my life is headed.
One. More. Year.
...and a half.
Which rounds down to one year, right?
Here is a quick list off the top of my head of everything I hate about dental hygiene school in ten seconds:
- FINDING MY OWN PATIENTS.
- studying.
- driving back and forth every day.
- skill evaluations.
- how unorganized everything is.
- that I'm just getting started.
- never having energy or time for anything or anyone.
- five hour long classes.
- tests in every class everyday of the week.
- poorly written questions where there are multiple answers right.
- don't get me started on the overwhelming stress of boards.
- taking vitals on every patient.
- wearing the same thing every single day of my life.
- not having my nails painted.
- stupid, ugly clinic shoes.
- staring and noticing every single person's teeth ALWAYS
...sorry that was at LEAST twelve seconds worth.
You know what I decided though? Its so insanely worth it. And there must be opposition in all things. Because without all these bad days, the frequent sob sessions, and the constant stress I wouldn't be able to rely on my Father in Heaven, my family, and my friends for support.
I'm NOT an open person at all. I don't like letting people in because I am always terrified of being hurt. Especially when I am sad or hurt, or stressed. I like being known as the happy girl, the one with a smile on. The girl with the positive attitude, that will always have something nice to say. And that is the image I try to wear all the time. I like putting that face on, because for the majority of the time, it is entirely true.
But I am human. And this schooling has helped me realize and be okay with expressing my emotions.
So I cry.
A lot.
And frequently.
Totes Embar.
I can't even begin to number the prayers that have been offered while driving too and from school. Just straight sobbing about how unfair that test was, or how worried I am about what I just learned. How I don't feel like I can make it another day. How I wish I had studied more. I cry a lot too about things outside of school too, but are related. Like where am I going to get a new loan for school. And how lonely I am. How I wish I had some handsome boy that would just let me study with him, cry to him, and tell me that he will always let me clean his teeth when no one shows up. Or how I haven't seen my friends in weeks because I am either in school, studying, or working to pay for school. How much I wish I had time to go on a long run to de-stress.
And you know what happens? Problems aren't always solved. I'm still stressed, and still fail tests.
But He listens.
It might not all be super important things to Him, and I'm sure there are some times where he kinda gives me half a ear. But He listens. And allows His spirit to be there to comfort me. Which is all I need sometimes.
I cry and pray a lot too from the happiness that comes as well through it all.
Like when Annie brings me a chai tea and cries with me before class. Or when a random friend texts me saying they want me to clean their teeth. And especially when I think about how much I've learned. How proud I am for the work and effort I am putting in, and seeing the progress I've made.
I think more common than all those prayers are the prayers full of gratitude. When I stop and really think about the opportunity I have to be in this super competitive program, I just bawl. How peaceful I am knowing that I am going to have a career once I am done with school, not just a degree. What a great job this will be for my future family, the fact that I can work making pretty decent money AND be a stay at home mother with little kids. Or when I think about the incredible friendships I am making with the 10 girls in my class. How I love and adore each of those imperfectly perfect girls in my cohort. Plus I just love what I'm learning. I love cleaning teeth. I love memorizing Black's classifications of cavities, how to classify occlusion, and all those millions of really stupid classification charts. ;)
So this is a reminder to myself to stop complaining. To remember how blessed I am. How grateful and happy this education is actually making me. A reminder to keep praying everyday as I drive home. A reminder that there are people who care about me, and are more than willing to let me clean their teeth ;) or even more importantly, that there are people who will listen to me cry about literally everything. Those people aren't like past boyfriends, or bad roommates. These people care, and want to hear my worries and fears.
Ultimately I'm working on remembering that there are two people in charge of my life, me and my God. "Pray as if everything depended on God, then go and work as if everything depended on you."
