Vulnurable.

Lets get real.

And I mean like really real. 

Like the kind of deep that only happens after you've sat around a tiny camp fire for who knows how long, its 3 in the morning, and you've been building the depth of the conversation with each new topic getting more and more personal. That's where we're about to go.

Once upon a time, I started this blog.

Not for attention.

Or because I love people telling me I'm a good writer. 

(Even though I know I love the attention. Dangit.)

Not even because I was bored.

I started writing because I was really sad. 

And alone. 

And scared of telling anyone about how I felt.

 I had convinced myself that unless I was the happy girl, no one would want to be around me. I was convinced that my feelings didn't matter, no one cared about my sad days, and that people only wanted to hear about the happy ones.

So, I started writing about all those irrational thoughts running rampant in my head. And only posted the (semi)funny or happy ones that I wrote. But saved on this website, are a plethora of "real talk" posts. Those days when I am crying. And confused. And frustrated at the world. Ironically enough, I still am the only person who can read all those posts.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

In the past, I dated some boys. And sometimes, I dated really bad ones.  Ones that would use and abuse me. Emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually.  And because of their manipulative ways, and my low resistance to any sort of peer pressure, I had been convinced that it was always my fault.

I was the one who asked for it.

I wanted them to show me my "weaknesses"

I ran in that tank top that showed too much skin.

I was the only one who had a past, with skeletons crawling around in my closet.

I was the one who didn't have self control. 

I was the one who couldn't feel bad or sad because HE would get mad when I brought up those feelings.

It would always be my fault.

My friends didn't care deeply about me either. Because they didn't appreciate me the way that HE did. My own parents and siblings didn't love me the way that HE did. HE was the only one that appreciated all the little things I did everyday. 

BULL

So why am I sharing this?  

I don't know.

Maybe there is someone out there in a similar relationship that needs to get out of it.

Maybe you're depressed but feel the need to hide it from the world.

Maybe someone needed to know that you aren't the only one.

Maybe someone needs encouragement.

Maybe you feel completely alone.

Maybe you can't even relate to this because your problems are bigger, or different, or harder.

Again, I don't know why I'm telling this story to the whole wide internet web (okay so really only like 5 of you).

Let me just tell you something I learned because of these, and hundreds of other experiences.

YOU ARE LOVED. 

People care more than you know.

There is a light at the end of tunnel.

Experiences make you stronger. Give you more compassion. Make you wiser for the next time, allow you to care for others in a way you wish you would have been cared for.

Happiness is somewhere in your life. Find it. Create it.

I don't care what you aspire to be, what religion you believe in, or what you are struggling with...YOU can do it. 

You can achieve every dream. 

You have the potential to be the best.

This hard thing you are going through right now matters.

And guess what? It is hard. It's not just in your mind.

You are going through EXACTLY whatever you need to for some unknown reason that will make itself evident in 14 years.

Stop worrying.

Listen to your mother. Always.

Take time to be alone. To let your mind think through your problems.

Don't you be afraid. Ever.

Learn to listen to your heart. It won't lead you astray.

Talk. 

Listen. 

Respect others.

Stop comparing your battles to anyone else's.

You are unique. Wanted. Strong. 

And you are a child of God. Whatever God you believe in. He cares about you. Knows you. Loves you.

Your life has a plan, and a purpose.

But most importantly of all, you are going to get through this. 

One day at a time. 
I believe in you.

Why I Suck at Dating

Provo.

The place where every eligible person is a contestant on the Bachelor/Bachelorette. And no one gets the final rose.  No one actually ever gets a rose. And no one is eliminated. Constant competition. Welcome to dating hell.

I just finished a date that had potential only to realize it would never go to the next level. And these are my thoughts on why:

1. The "post date text."

I literally just told you on my doorstep that I had fun, and thank you for taking me out, that I hope to see you again.  Why would I text you the exact same thing? Repetitive much? Not down.  If I did have a good time, you'll get a text the next day. But why is it so odd that I don't send a thank you text 5 seconds after I just told you all of this? Confusing.

2. Friend Zoned

Not sure how I do this, but I know that I somehow manage to place every person I meet in the friend zone. Especially to guys that I like. Sorry bout that one sweetheart.

3. One-on-One

I am terrified to be alone with a boy. A real wonderful friend of mine pointed out to me that whenever its going to be just he and I, that I get this terrified look on my face. Deer in headlights on drugs. So that's probably not helping boys feel confident about themselves. 

Why oh WHY did Elizabeth Smart engrave the fear of being kidnapped, rapped, and almost murdered into my head? Now I just fear for those things when I'm alone with a boy.

4. The Fall.

Most people meet someone, think they're a total BAE, ask them on a date, three dates and a couple hangouts later they're dating. Its a quick process where they get right to the heart of dating someone. 

I never do this. It always starts as friends, and the I hope that slowly, something progresses. This way also is harder as you have to somehow get out of that friends zone, and fall in love. I'm still working on the technique. Not recommended.

5. I laugh at everyone's jokes.

Deceiving. Makes the boys think I like them all. 

Which could be true...let them think about that for a bit.

6. Competition

You have a million girls chasing after you, 

You are busy with school, work, church

You have an awesome spiritual side. 

You are the dreamiest and there are many girls who are aware of that.

I just CAN'T compete with all them. I mean...he probably doesn't want to spend his time and effort with a girl who can be a flake, cries over 'deaf babies that hear their first sound' YouTube videos, and never cares about the amount of fruity pebbles I eat a day. 

"I literally can't even."

7. I'm blonde, I run, I'm smart, and I'm LDS

Huh...sounds like a girl you know? Sound like every girl you know? Probably.



8. Plethora.  
There are too many people here. You don't have to commit or work through a rough patch. Why? Because instead of putting in the effort to get to know someone, or work through a fight you can just wait two minutes and pounce on the next little hottie that walks by.  Because there WILL be another around the corner. 

So. I think there is room for improvement there.

Dental Hygiene School

Boy, oh boy. Do I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, I've never cried more in my life from PURE stress. 

But on the other hand, I've never felt more happy, successful, and at peace with where my life is headed.

One. More. Year.

...and a half.

Which rounds down to one year, right?

Here is a quick list off the top of my head of everything I hate about dental hygiene school in ten seconds:

• FINDING MY OWN PATIENTS.
• studying.
• driving back and forth every day.
• skill evaluations.
• how unorganized everything is.
• that I'm just getting started.
• never having energy or time for anything or anyone.
• five hour long classes.
• tests in every class everyday of the week.
• poorly written questions where there are multiple answers right.
• don't get me started on the overwhelming stress of boards.
• taking vitals on every patient.
• wearing the same thing every single day of my life.
• not having my nails painted.
• stupid, ugly clinic shoes.
• staring and noticing every single person's teeth ALWAYS

...sorry that was at LEAST twelve seconds worth.

You know what I decided though? Its so insanely worth it. And there must be opposition in all things. Because without all these bad days, the frequent sob sessions, and the constant stress I wouldn't be able to rely on my Father in Heaven, my family, and my friends for support.

I'm NOT an open person at all. I don't like letting people in because I am always terrified of being hurt. Especially when I am sad or hurt, or stressed.  I like being known as the happy girl, the one with a smile on.  The girl with the positive attitude, that will always have something nice to say. And that is the image I try to wear all the time. I like putting that face on, because for the majority of the time, it is entirely true.

But I am human. And this schooling has helped me realize and be okay with expressing my emotions.  

So I cry.

A lot.

And frequently.

Totes Embar.

I can't even begin to number the prayers that have been offered while driving too and from school. Just straight sobbing about how unfair that test was, or how worried I am about what I just learned.  How I don't feel like I can make it another day. How I wish I had studied more.  I cry a lot too about things outside of school too, but are related. Like where am I going to get a new loan for school. And how lonely I am. How I wish I had some handsome boy that would just let me study with him, cry to him, and tell me that he will always let me clean his teeth when no one shows up. Or how I haven't seen my friends in weeks because I am either in school, studying, or working to pay for school. How much I wish I had time to go on a long run to de-stress.

And you know what happens? Problems aren't always solved. I'm still stressed, and still fail tests. 

But He listens.

 It might not all be super important things to Him, and I'm sure there are some times where he kinda gives me half a ear. But He listens. And allows His spirit to be there to comfort me.  Which is all I need sometimes.

I cry and pray a lot too from the happiness that comes as well through it all.

Like when Annie brings me a chai tea and cries with me before class. Or when a random friend texts me saying they want me to clean their teeth. And especially when I think about how much I've learned. How proud I am for the work and effort I am putting in, and seeing the progress I've made. 

I think more common than all those prayers are the prayers full of gratitude. When I stop and really think about the opportunity I have to be in this super competitive program, I just bawl. How peaceful I am knowing that I am going to have a career once I am done with school, not just a degree. What a great job this will be for my future family, the fact that I can work making pretty decent money AND be a stay at home mother with little kids.  Or when I think about the incredible friendships I am making with the 10 girls in my class. How I love and adore each of those imperfectly perfect girls in my cohort. Plus I just love what I'm learning. I love cleaning teeth. I love memorizing Black's classifications of cavities, how to classify occlusion, and all those millions of really stupid classification charts. ;)

So this is a reminder to myself to stop complaining. To remember how blessed I am. How grateful and happy this education is actually making me. A reminder to keep praying everyday as I drive home. A reminder that there are people who care about me, and are more than willing to let me clean their teeth ;) or even more importantly, that there are people who will listen to me cry about literally everything. Those people aren't like past boyfriends, or bad roommates. These people care, and want to hear my worries and fears.

Ultimately I'm working on remembering that there are two people in charge of my life, me and my God. "Pray as if everything depended on God, then go and work as if everything depended on you."

Society.

One day we're all gonna have to explain to our children what these things are, and why they were so cool to us at the time.  So I'm just jumping on the bandwagon before it even starts. Call me a trend setter ;) This little post here is just to address how funny, but cool these trending things of the 2K-teens are.

1. Selfies.

We are a society obsessed with selfies. Selfie Sunday. Snapchat. Profile pictures. Mirror pics. Instagram. We all know that there is a real obsession with taking pictures of ourselves. And then what do we do? Post them so that all our friends can tell us how beautiful we are. Kinda, maybe, the most prideful thing a human could do? But no, we do it on a regular occasion. And somehow, poeple keep telling us how beautiful we are.  



I'd post selfies I've taken...but that is just too much.

2. Twerking
Mostly hilarious. And I wish I could do it.
Jealous of you big booty hoes out there.
You know who you are.

3. Likes

Everytime you post a picture you are hoping to break record, reaching a new PR on likes. It takes time to think of a clever caption, decent hashtags, and the best filter. Plus, there is a real serious joy when a photo hits the triple digits. And that is kinda funny.

4. Hashtags

My Dad just jumped on this bandwagon today. And what an odd bandwagon it is. But also, hysterical when properly used. I still struggle with the concept of why you throw down hashtags in your posts, but I do it.  How often do I even click on those hastags to see what others are posting under the same ones? Never in my life.



5. This Haircut.

I can already hear myself defending this one:

"Because it was in style!"
"Yes we liked boys with it. We thought it was cute."
"Back then, we didnt think it looked like they had an ocean wave on top of their heads"




6. Fear of gluten.
Okay I am someone who is allergic to gluten, and therefore can't legitametly endulge in it. Which makes me sad on a daily basis.


BUT, there are many people who choose to avoid gluten for health benefits.  I am insanely passionate about nutrition, and recognize the GMO's, and dangers of modified wheat. Its just so funny to me that there is a real FEAR of eating gluten. It's not the protien that causes the problem...it might just be the way you are eating.



7. Cats.
Why all of a sudden did everything cats become so normal and cool and taking over the world?
Nothing against them...but just why did it happen?

So...future little of mine...I am just as confused as you are about the odd ball trends going on in the world today. I'm sorry I couldnt be more help. 

But what I do have to say is that I'm happy being alive today. Even if there are 7 selfies on my instragram feed right in a row, #mancrushmonday, or if people wear cat shirts everyday. I love this life I'm living, and I am beyond grateful for the people in it. If they want to rock the Macklemore, more power to them. 


And yes, I really do wish I could twerk.

When Reality Hits.

Bucket Lists.

They're excuses for all the cool things you wanna do someday that you just put off. Mostly because: 1. Broke. 2. Ain't nobody got time for that. 3. I suck at planning. 4. Seriously though, nada in the bank account.

Don't get me wrong, I still have my list, and promise one day to qualify for a boston, visit Jerusalem, and sit front row at a MLB playoff game. But recently, I have been thinking about more realistic "Bucket List" as well. Just in case I never have money to travel, or Jerusalem closes its borders. 

This, my friends, is my realistic, border-line boring, list of things I want to accomplish in my life.

1. Never buy One-Ply toilet paper.

Because. It. SUCKS. Why is this even an option? I figure I have to use this sandpaper at school, work, and the occasional gas station pit stop. When I am at home, I just want to wipe my butt with something that wont give me baby diaper rash. Easily done.

2. Don't be the Booty Call girl again.

Also very do-able....sorry Mom. You taught me better.

3. Be genuine, not jealous.

Thoughts like this occur way too frequently: 

"Oh whats up best friend. Haven't seen you in a year because you're so happy in your perfect little life with your super hot boyfriend (who just randomly decided to surprise you with a new stereo system for your car), and your awesome internship where you get to meet country music stars, plus you get to fly for free anywhere in the world because your dad is a pilot, did I forget to mention you have that perfect summer body while I inhaled a sleeve of Oreos? Yeah sweetheart, miss you."

That thought is honest and terrible, I know. So no more jealousy for wonderful things happening in other people's lives. Twerking on it.

4. Bake ONE good batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Somehow, I always eff them up.

Wife me already.

5. Use grammar in texting.

You know nothing of confusion until you have a friend who consistently texts you like this: "hallie gurl how r u today i was wondering if u wanted 2 play some tennis l8r this afternoon"

I'm not about that life.

6. Laugh instead of cry.

Yes please. 

But not out loud cause we all know I have the world's most annoying laugh. Wiz Kalifa laugh-a-like is yours truely.

7. Do Laundry more than once a month.

Too many clothes. Too big of a laundry hamper. Not enough care in my body to do it frequently. So that's gotta change. Yikes.

8. Think less about myself.

I love people, and want to care more about them than I ever care about myself. This is my one thing that I can't ever cross off.  It's not on my To-Do list as much as it is on my To-Be list.

And there you have it. My realistic list of things I will accomplish in my little lifetime. 

Hopefully. :)

Moonlight

1:50 AM.

Sure.

What a great time to blog, right?

Random things on my mind that are probably keeping me awake:

1. Can't decide what to fall asleep watching.

Between my family members, I have access to Netflix, Hulu Plus, and Amazon Prime. There are waaaayyyy too many options availiable.  Dang it technology. Stop advancing.

2. Ate too much at dinner.

You know that uncomfortable feeling of thanksgiving? Yep. I am pretty much there. Plus I may have aten some gluten-full rolls. And dairy-full buttermilk ranch. Neither of which agree with my digestive tract. Both of which are de-li-cious. #treatyoself

3. YOUTUBE
Started out at the funny side, yet somehow I always end up on the wierd side where I question how intelligent the human race is. Example of the last thing I watched:

WTF. 

(Why the Face)

;)

4. The Ex Boy.
Isn't it funny how when you move onto someone else you ALWAYS get a text from the ex? Oh how my mind wanders on what could be. Then it stops wandering, and transitions to ensuring I don't get my hopes up. But I always end up wondering if its could be different this time around. Trying to make sense of why he would say that to me. What are his intentions? Is he being genuine this time? Is this time for real? Or would it be yet ANOTHER rollercoaster ride where I end up alone and vulnerable? What about the new guy I like...I cant just abandon those semi-feelings for this wonderful ex-guy. But its too soon to worry about this new kid...heck I don't even know if he likes me yet. I dont even know if I like him yet. Two weeks too soon.
 AGHH.
Then I give up, and don't care. (But we all know I DO care. And that's why its so frustrating).




5. Pictures.
Feel free to glance, with me, at all one million of my favorite pictures I have never posted.

Okay. Fine. I'll watch 'Say Yes to the Dress.'
Goodnight world.


Cheers. :)
Hallie

Serious Words.

Sappy time.

Sorry. It happens every now and then. 

I just feel insanely blessed to live this life I am living. God definitely loves me, I can't ever deny that. Holy cow. And recently I've just been recognizing all these incredible people and things that are happening in my life.  This blog is called "Real Talk" because I wanted to express myself as things really are.  And today, I just cant keep from appreciating my God who gives me more experiences, incredible people, and wonderful blessings than I think I deserve.

Like the fact I'm in Dental Hygiene school.  Nationwide, getting into dental hygiene schools are pretty competitive.  On average, there are around 80-100 applicants that apply to each school.  Out of those applicants there are only 10-20 chosen to start the program.  Some programs accept up to 60, while others accept only a mere 8.  

Not only was accepted into programs, BUT I was additionally accepted into the school I felt fit me the best.  The day I opened my acceptance letter from Fortis College was the happiest, exciting, and most reassuring day I've had in my 21 years.

Also. That my body works. Anyone who has ever taken an anatomy, physiology, biology, or chemistry class knows how detailed and intricate our lives are.  Our bodies continually. blow. my. mind.

So much goes on within these lanky arms and legs of mine.  There is an enormous amount of room for error.  But instead, I am lucky enough to run, laugh, breathe, smile, move, sing, and learn with ease.  

Sure, I have my own little medical issues. I might never be able to bear children, or eat a freaking regular pbj sandwich; but I can still eat food.  I can still adopt children. I still have the option to be a mom, to play, run, and teach any kids that might enter my future life, even if they don't have my specific genes running in their body. This isn't a blessing, it is a miracle in my opinion that I can do and move so much. How would I live without my daily run? I wouldn't.

The best gift I have ever been given was when God saw it fit to send me into the Jeffery and Julie Platt family.  There are only feelings of gratitude, love, and humility when I think of my parents, siblings, and grandparents.  Words are scarce when I try to express how influential these people are in my life. 

My happiness, my joy, my positive outlook on life I owe to my Momma. 

All that I learned about sacrifice, patience, and forgiveness I learned from my Dad. 

Trent has taught me to love strangers, to accept and love every soul just as they come.

I strive to be as loving, kind, and charitable as my favorite sister in law Ju.

No other human has heard more sob stories, problems, and trials than my beautiful sister Britt. I learn how to listen from her.

Tiffer has taught me to be strong and courageous in my own skin.

In my silent strengths, those rare moments I am humble I credit to Logan.

I mimic Landon when I talk to the loner, or when I feel compassion for others.

Calvin's influence is apparent when I laugh at the littlest things throughout my day.

Sappy. Sappy. SAPPY. 

Happy. Happy. HAPPY.

A little window into the daily miracles in my life that I am lucky enough to be apart of. :)